I wanted to do a post last week, but the week got away from me, so here is this week’s post.

I had my second chemo treatment and this time we opted to do the IV and the pills. This would allow me to go 3 weeks in between chemo treatments, but it also upped the IV does 1.5 times and requires me to take 4 pills twice a day for 2 weeks. Sounded good in theory, but it was hard, and it sucked! After the IV, I immediately started feeling the effects of the chemo. I can’t handle anything cold… it becomes painful to eat or touch anything cold. It sucked the energy right out of me and put me basically in survival mode. Suffice it to say, the past few days have been tough on me and this week has been very tough for my wife as well.

Since Nov. 1, I’ve lost 50 lbs. Yes, I know this is a lot of weight to lose. I’ve gone from a size 36 waist to a size 30 to now a size 28 or smaller. It’s tough to keep up with my clothes. The clothes that Andrea made me buy just a month ago are already starting to be baggy. At this point I’m not wanting to lose any more weight. I would like to gain some but with my diet changes and the nausea from the chemo, I need to wait, I think it will be sometime before I start gaining weight back again.

Tuesday and Wednesday this week was a very tough few days for Andrea. Everything that has happened over the last 2 months finally came to a head and overwhelmed her.  I think just being a caregiver and trying to take care of me has been overwhelming for her to say the least. My lack of emotional and loving support which I have always had for her is basically gone now.  Sex drive is 0, and everything in between has been 0 as well. She says that our entire life has changed and feels like she is grieving the loss of life as we knew it.  Our dates always involved good food and an activity. Now, with my way of eating, that has gone away along with my energy to do much else. I am more in survival mode and that, along with what I can eat, consumes my thoughts. Then, all the adjustments she’s had to make as well as myself over the past two months has been very overwhelming. Cancer occupies our every waking thought. I used to think 80% of my day and waking moment about my business.

Thursday this past week had to be one of the hardest days of my life, having to accept that I need a caregiver and I can’t be the man that I want to be to my wife and to my family has been very, very tough on me.  I’ve had to accept that my body is just not able to do the things I was able to do to three months ago which is very hard for me to accept.  I am a go go go and doer kind of guy, and for me to slow down has been extremely tough for me to do and accept.

Long before we knew about the cancer, we had planned to give our kids a trip to Disneyland for Christmas. This was the week we had scheduled that. So Thur night we flew out here to Disneyland, and will be there till Tue, tomorrow.   It was really hard to have my wife ask me if I needed a wheel chair. Well on Monday I agreed I needed one, because of having a few blisters on my feet from one of the side effects chemo has on my body.  This was really hard for me to accept and agree to. I am a ill do it myself guy.  I am the let me show you I can do it, guy.